Realizations and Revelations

To be honest, I don’t know why I told you that I liked you.

Maybe it was in the spark I felt when we held hands for the first time in that bus ride back home? Or was it because I felt that there could be something between us that I hadn’t seen before? Or perhaps it was because I felt the shadow of loneliness disappeared along with the light you brought into my life?

But seven days pass and I tell myself that I’ve really started to like you in a way that I needed to talk to you, to see your smiling face, to be there for you even in your darkest times even as I fight my own demons. I shake the thought out and tell myself that I have to keep my priorities in check. That perhaps it was just special friendship. A temporary thing because things were happening a little too fast. 

You just moved on and I was still healing up. 

Honestly, I keep worrying about the future. I keep worrying about being accepted. I worry about what happens if I gain weight, or if my face gets uglier as it already is, or if I get left behind. But now that you’re in the picture, I honestly can’t imagine us with a family right now but I can definitely see that you’ve already become part of the things I have to consider when I make a choice. 

My selfishness shows when I’m around you. I’m too possessive and jealous for my own good, and I’m honestly one of the biggest idiots to even let you court me because I have no idea what got me to accept that offer you gave me. I’m so weird that even some people are overwhelmed with the fact that I am what I am. 

I don’t know what part of me let you hold my hand and sway me around in circles. I don’t know what let me show you my weak side and let you see me in tears. I have no idea what got me to keep tormenting you just because I wanted you to laugh and chase after me. I’m pissed that you can’t even see that I’m passive aggressive towards you at times and I suddenly feel horrible because you never did anything wrong and it was all the effect of my own frustrations. 

I don’t know what part of me got you so interested in me in spite of me showing you only bits and pieces of my dark side. I warn you in desperation to leave me alone, to simply move on, to walk away from me. It’s painful and hard, considering that I have always been in the situation where I was the one who was left alone, bruised and pained even when I ended it. But you refuse to agree to my demands. 

You say that you will fight for it. Fight for what we have. And you don’t ever want to stop this. 

I find myself falling in deep. I’ve really liked you after all. And I don’t think it’s going to change after tonight. Not after next week. Not even after the year ends. Not even after I graduate. 

Three weeks of contemplation and I’m certain that I want to keep you with me. To learn to accept and become the girl who will be worth your time, your effort and your smiles. But to answer the question you asked two weeks ago? 

 

If it weren’t for some things I’m dealing with

If it weren’t for my anxiety and insecurity

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m still in school

If it weren’t for my cowardice and fear

 

Then I would say yes right now. In a heartbeat. 

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