Decisions

Today was not exactly one of my happy moments, which is honestly frustrating because for most of the term, I’ve been pretty much okay, asides from some short relapses of manic-depressive tendencies. For the past two days, there’s been huge mood swings, mostly on the manic side. I have found no reason why I suddenly feel bouts of loneliness from my friends, both from high school and from college. It’s a little frustrating on my part. Is it because I’m too clingy for my own good?

Not to mention that someone came into my life and turned it upside down in the blink of an eye. There is nothing wrong with that. On the contrary, I enjoy the person’s company and would like to know the individual more because he/she is a very fascinating person. What’s funny is that I never expected to become so close to this person to the point that once I found out about some of the issues that he/she was facing, then I would feel compelled to help this person out because of reasons. And now I am faced with a question that I feel a little nervous about, as I have never had any experience with dealing with these kinds of situations for the past eighteen years.

But anyway.

I feel distrustful of the people around me. Anxious with the thought of them leaving me makes me feel pathetic and weak on the knees, as I know that things in the world are not permanent and will eventually change its course. I know that very well, yet I feel a sense of dread. Committing to relationships seems a lot scarier than it seems, even if the person is patient and gentle. The feeling of my demons sticking with me 24/7 is not the most comforting fact.

Today, a friend of mine asked if I wanted a tarot card reading. Curious about the practice, I reluctantly accepted. I dug into my mind for the questions that had haunted me, until I finally narrowed them all down to one question which seemed to have covered a lot of aspects in my life.

Is what I am doing the right thing?

Moments pass and my friend pulls out one of the most ironic and amusing cards in the deck: The Lovers. While it’s true that the cards do not always correspond directly to the situation of an individual, I feel a little panicked upon seeing this. She tells me bluntly that I have to think about how much I want something before taking the next step. I sat there in silence for a while as I thought back on all the instances that I kept following the orders which were set by my own parents, even if they did claim that they weren’t forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do.

Was it right to take on something while recovering? Is it right to think you’re alone even when you’re surrounded by people who love you?

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