It would come as no secret to some that I have been diagnosed with a variety of mental illnesses over the past few years, and I am still continuing to struggle with this issue of mine. Dealing with depression with a side of obsessive compulsive disorder is the absolute worst combination that I can think of (at the moment). The experience has led me to a roller coaster of happiness that is destroyed by a fleeting thought that repeats itself constantly, until I lose all sense of hope at being able to recover from this problem that I am having. I end up pushing everyone away for fear of them getting hurt at my expense, and think of death as the only escape from the cruel world.
But here I am after all those years of struggling with the problem, and maybe there is a reason that I’m still alive after dealing with a series of stages in life that had a dash of bulimia, a huge amount of anxiety, and occasional feelings of anger towards life.
Okay, maybe those feelings of anger happen more often than I assume.
They all say that the best way to recover from a problem is to take up a new hobby. I’ve tried to go back to a variety of creative hobbies: Writing, Drawing, Singing, and Calligraphy, all of which have all worked to no avail. I’ve gotten a bit of a groove back with writing, although I rarely get the inspiration to write about it. I’ve also lost a lot of motivation in drawing (I admit my tendencies to compare myself with other people have gotten in the way of concentrating on improving my drawing skills). Singing is also down, which has also been a difficulty I’ve been having. The most singing I’ve done is when I’m all alone and I’m listening to music whenever I’m busy. The occurrence of me uploading recorded songs is very rare (although five to six years ago, I believe I’ve gone through the cycle of uploading them and then deleting them)
Okay, maybe it sounds like I’m being a whiny bitch (Or maybe I am), but it’s what I struggle with everyday. Every time I see someone improving, I feel so stagnant, despite people telling me that I’m doing fine. It’s something that has served as a hindrance for me when it comes to pursuing the things that I want to do.
Around Mid-March, I had the craziest idea: Photography. I noticed that I loved to take nice photographs, and then upload them on Instagram. I would admire the processes involved in creating a photo that appealed to its audiences. There was something about taking photos had appealed to me in the weirdest ways.
I didn’t immediately take the plunge to photography. First of all, why would I risk so much for something that I might give up on eventually. Secondly, I don’t see the point when I don’t have much time to give for photography. Third, what can I improve when I take up photography? These questions revolved around my mind until I consulted a friend about it. All he said was that I should give it a try. When I argued that it would be a waste on financial resources (If you haven’t caught it already, I’m stingy with money). But what was the use of saving up the money when you don’t even know where it will go? I guess I wanted to save for six figures for this year. Either way, I eventually realized that it’s okay as long as I try to go for it. I also found some reason for me to take up photography: By trying to look at the environment as a canvas I can utilize to take something beautiful, I might eventually apply this to looking at positive aspects of my life.
So on April 15, I asked my dad for a loan and received my camera five days later. I won’t lie and say I was excited to get my first DSLR (A Nikon 5200D). It’s currently one of my biggest purchases in the two years that I have been working as an employee. I wanted to experiment with the different settings (I prefer to go for Manual rather than Auto), which may give me an avenue to look at how each of the elements of photography contribute to the photos that I take.
As soon as I got home on Friday evening, I went for the first subject I could find: My dog, Prince.
- Minding his own business. He never left my side while I was taking photos of him >_<
- My dog did not mind being the subject for the day
The following morning, I met up with a friend, who I knew was somewhat more experienced in photography than I was. She was willing to teach me the basics of photography, and brought me to two parks in the Makati area. The only one I managed to take a photo of was Washington Sycip Park.
- Washington Sycip Park
- Meet the lady who tutored me in the Basics of Photography
More or less, I began to fall in love with photography after my friend gave me tips and tricks on capturing the perfect moment. I loved how I had to play with light and manipulate the camera so it would turn out as I want it to. Needless to say, when I got off the bus stop at Taguig to meet up with my parents, I immediately brought out my camera and gave it a spin again.
I don’t think I would bear to let go of my camera right now. If I had the chance to practice my skills in photography, then I would take the chance when I have time. As of now, I cannot say whether or not I’ll be giving up on this hobby soon. With all the potential subjects I have for my photos, how can I give up on that?